just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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