thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
