he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
