Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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