Please, let me fuck your mom
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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