my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
