The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
