Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
