I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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