Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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