I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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