where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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