I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
