Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
