that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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