maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
