Kiss
Puke
time to smoke my breakfast
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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