im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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