Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
