I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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