Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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