I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
