When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
