he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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