Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
