Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
