Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
