The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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