apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
