All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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