he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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