Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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