I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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