true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
