She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
