Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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