and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
