I want to stick my p in your. b.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
