His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
