I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
