I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
