I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
