Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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