I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
