i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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