i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
