It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
