alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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