he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
