If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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