I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
