Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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