Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
